In which a University Burns

No, not St John's. We're not a university. I speak of Pemberton! Two and a half weeks ago, I got some folks together to play the Shab-Al-Hiri roach. It were fun.

I played Asst. Professor Lord Thomas Overton, of the Anthropology Department, specializing in the tribes of Northern Africa. I was boring, so don't ask for further details.

Patrick played Asst. Professor Otto von Geinrich, of the Chemistry Department, specializing in properties of reactive gases, later made Full Professor despite multiple convictions for murder. Patrick kicked off the game by wanting Geinrich to "accidentally" release mustard gas into the auditorium during commencement. When I told him that mass murder might be best led up to, he decided that instead, in the middle of the Dean's speech, the hideously deformed and mutated (and bright purple) corpse of one of Geinrich's TAs drops from the rafters onto the stage. "So THAT'S where I was last night," thinks the drunken german idly.

Alyssa played Asst. Professor Richard Somerville Tradescent, of the Poetry & Drama Department, specializing in Romatic Poets. Which Romantic Poets, you may well ask? I assume you are familiar with the greats of the form? The titans of their age? Shakespeare, Shelley, Donne? Well, that's not the sort that Mr. Tradescent studies, to the sorrow of those around him when he is either depressed or drunk. He was both for much of the game, since as soon as Patrick suggested the idea of Geinrich's poisoned TA falling from the rafters, Alyssa immediately claimed that "obviously," he was a handsome young man that Richard had lately written a great deal of terrible poetry for/about. He swore a quite florid revenge on the murderer and the world. And he got both, of a kind.

Robert played Professor Reginal P. Babineaux III, of the Foreign & Ancient Languages Department, specializing in French ("Oh, but of course!"). Upon learning that the dead TA's grandfather was the chairman of the board of trustees, and planning on financing a new library, he had a plan. "I haf sceene dees cinema reecently, eeht was cauled Weekahnd aht Berni's?" The Grandfather's sudden death at the end of a long discussion (Alyssa's inspired idea) did not stop Reginald from getting his signature on the check. He was a sniveling little backstabber, upon whom I wish a thousand deaths.

Yeah, good times.

The game's official character sheets come with a chart of "Pembertonians," character's whose presence is required at certain points in the game. These charts have two columns: Name, and Cause of Death. In that spirit, and in order to avoid a play-by-play, I'll present a similar listing of various characters' final fates.

• Gordon Bumpus, President of the Board of Trustees: Drank antifreezed wine, dying before realizing the reason his son was dead, not just quiet and purple. Posthumously, and some would say miraculously, donated a majority of his personal fortunes to the college, impoverishing his countless illegitimate children.
• Arthur Steuben Ferguson, Chancellor: Still alive, and without criminal record. Bastard.
• John Acton Gerard, Professor Emeritus: Killed by razor-studded bomb beneath his seat at Homecoming Football Game, which was, according to Geinrich, meant for someone else.
  
• L. Scott Collins, Young Radical Asst. Professor: Denounced as socialist in the midst of a tirade at the Founder's Day Wine & Cheese Social. Arrested, and thereby not invited to the Gamma Gamma Gamma Christmas Ball, and thereby still alive.
• Regina Sutton, Most Popular Co-ed: Married to Lord Overton, and killed by roaches eating her young and beautiful brain.
  
• Campbell Stoudenmeyer, Faculty Senate Chair: Because of stupid name, not invited to Gamma Gamma Gamma's (hastily renamed) Regina Overton Memorial Christmas Ball, and therefore alive.
• Rev. Gaylord Talley, Chaplain: Killed by Baudelaire. Well, the savage beating might have had something to do with it, but I know what I think, regardless of what the Medical Examiners had to say. Which was nothing, considering how well the body was hidden. I think Tradescent might have eaten it.
  
• Manley Wakefield-Nutter: Dean of Students: Killed by fire at Christmas Ball.
• Bantam Whaley, Panthercats Quarterback: Awakened to ancient roach-hunting instincts from unknown Sumerian Rebel ancestry when he came into Professor Tradescent's office to ask about the poor marks on his recent sonnet assignment, only to be confronted with the sight of the form the professor had pupated into during his stay at the asylum, a giant cockroach-humanoid. These instincts, unfortunately, did not save him from being killed by fire at the Christmas Ball. In fact, since it was his instinctively attacking Tradescent with a lacrosse stick in a fit of such savage fury that the terrified roach-man had no option but to skitter across the campus, eventually arriving at the Christmas ball and lighting itself and any number of other people and things on fire from knocking over scads of torches, which, as the party was being held in the open air of St. Luke's Cemetery, so as to be near Regina's grave, were thought both necessary and suitably festive/somber, and tracking fire over everything, including the church itself, causing the deaths of an estimated 98% of the student body and 87% of the faculty, you could say that it was his own stupid fault. I think.
• Professor Geinrich: Made Dean. Series of reformations eventually lead to Pemberton being renamed "The Citadel."
  
• Professor Tradescent: Last seen buzzing through the skies southwest, either to his ancestral home in Louisiana, or to West Virginia.
• Professor Badinaux: Made head of his department, but that turns to ashes in his mouth when he remembers a German gives him orders. Hilarity ensues!
• Professor Overton: Went back to the bloodthirsty sands of North Africa, where the world makes sense.
  

Great stuff. I highly recommend both the game and the players.